Title: Tour de Force (1/2)
By Cousin Tserisa (headpigeons@hotmail.com)
Place: CERK
Time: Thursday July 12th, Early Afternoon
      Following "Clash of the Tartans"

All with permission.


The Cousinly Receptionist desk was unmanned.  Aside from a few black post-it
notes dotting the station, there was no sign of life.  (It was decided, by
this time, that post-it notes had a life of their own.)  The lobby was
strangely quiet.  Not even a squeek.

This was because the Ever-Squeeky Jess had abandoned the lobby in search of
Nick.  She considered this switching the ultimate fun, enabling her to
interact with all of her favorite people despite serving as Cousinly
Receptionist this War.  LaCroix was good, but LaCroix, Screed, Vachon *and*
Nick?  That was better.  The DieHard faction-hopper's dream.

She found him wandering down the hall looking confused.  When Nick saw her
he gave an uncertain smile, taking in her Rurouni Kenshin t-shirt and huge,
baggy rave pants.  It was the look in her blue black-flecked eyes that gave
him the most pause, however... and that huge, toothful smile.

"Hi!" Jess said brightly. "I'm Jess."

Nick smiled boyishly, a look which appeared unnerving on the General's face.
  The Cousinly Receptionist, however, didn't seem fazed at all.  "Hi," Nick
replied, still sounding unsettled.  "I'm... um, Nick."

"I know," Jess said, nodding enthusiastically.

Nick nodded, and looked around.  He really had no idea what to say to the
Cousin.  He didn't know her, and Cousins were a strange, evil, chaotic
bunch.  'Nice weather we're having?'  Somehow he didn't think that seemed
appropriate.  He'd been laid out all night with horrible cramps (a side
effect of the switching? ... the others hadn't affected him for nearly as
long) and by the time he was able to move around again (and away from the
vicinity of LaCroix's penthouse and private powder room) it was dawn, and he
was stuck.

He worried about his Knighties.  What had LaCroix done to them?  Were they
worried about him?  He sighed.

"Did you know Nat needs a *huuuuug*?" Jess said, looking at him with large,
moist eyes.

"Excuse me?" Nick said, startled.  He stared down at the young woman.

Jess sniffled, clasping her hands before her.  "You never, ever give her one
when she needs it the *most*!  You just stand there, angsting, both of you
staring at anything but each other!  It's pitiful."

Nick looked aghast (another unnerving look on LaCroix's visage).  "I, well,
we're not...."

"You're *FRIENDS*! Friends HUG!"  And with that, she pounced him and gave
him a BIG SQUEEZE.

Nick stumbled backwards, startled by this display of Cousinly affection.  It
was wrong. So very wrong.

Jess released him, staring up at him with a big grin.  "Seeeeee?"  She shook
her head.  "Even the other vampires that angst a lot know when to hug
someone."

"Others?" Nick looked curious, if still taken aback.  "What others?"

"Different fandoms, no crossovers," Jess said, shrugging.  She bounced a
little in place.  "Know what?" she said, squinking her eyes.  "LaCroix loves
yooooouuuuu."

Nick cleared his throat and started to turn.  What was all this about love
and hugging?  Was she a Nick and Natpacker?  Unnamed?  Psychotic?  This was
against all he'd ever heard of the Cousins and he decided to get out of
there.  "I... um... need to... yeah."

"Wait!" Jess exclaimed, reaching out in slow motion.

Nick turned.

Jess thrust a rounded plastic skeleton in his face.

And squeeked it.

"Argh!" Nick exclaimed, staggering backwards.  "It burns!"

"Ah ha!" Jess said, cradling the Spooky Squeeky Toy [TM].  "It really does
have Patented Holy Squeek Technology!"  She then turned and headed back to
the lobby.

Nick would've been panting, if vampires panted.  He looked after the bizarre
Cousi-- ... freak.  He swallowed dryly and decided to head back to LaCroix's
penthouse.  He'd stay there, where it was safe, until night fell.

As he turned the corner, he saw *another one*.  He stopped and about-faced.

"Wait, Nick?" the Cousin called.

He wasn't about to turn this time.  "Busy," he said, not wasting any angst.

"I was just wondering if you wanted a tour of CERK," the Cousin said
pleasantly.

[What if she really does just want to give me a tour?] he thought.  [Then if
I turn it down, I'd be insulting her.]

"It shouldn't take long," she added, and smiled as he glanced over his
shoulder.

He looked at her doubtfully for a minute.  She did seem more respectable (no
strange bi-colored hair, no wild look in her eyes) and her smile wasn't
quite so frightening.  "I guess I have time," he said slowly.

"Great," the Cousin said.  "I'm Cousine Celeste.  Why don't we start with
the lobby?  Most things that happen in CERK do start in the lobby."

Nick nodded and began to follow her (not too closely) as she started to
walk.  They went around several corners, and then entered the elevator.
Celeste pressed the button for the first floor.

"CERK's an office building," she said.  "You probably knew that.  But we've
made a bunch of modifications to make it more *comfy*.  Just the way we like
it.  How'd you like LaCroix's penthouse?"

Nick grimaced.  His memories of his time up there weren't pleasant, but that
didn't owe to the accomadations. "It was fine," he said.

"Good," Celeste said. "Don't touch anything."

Nick looked at her as the elevator came to a stop and she gave him a smile.
Now it was beginning to look slightly evil.

"And here we are, ground zero!"  The doors slid open and Nick-in-LaCroix's
body and Celeste stepped out.

"Hiiiii!" Jess called, waving from the desk.  She grinned ([Insanely,
maniacally, absurdly,] Nick thought.).  "Welcome to CERK!  Can I take your
order?"

"This is Jess," Celeste said, undaunted.

"I know," Nick said, hanging back.

"She's our Cousinly Receptionist.  She takes calls, signs for packages,
torments guests and so on."

"I see," said Nick.

"Anyhoo, why don't we check out the stuff on this floor? It's pretty
freakin' cool."  Celeste waved a hand, and started to lead him down the hall
to the left.

"Would you like fries with that?" Jess called after them.  "I can put a lot
of ketchup on 'em!"  (We could blame this on post-it note exposure, but we
all know she's just nuts.)

Nick walked quickly, but Celeste didn't increase her speed, so he was forced
to conform to her pace.  The Cousine showed him the Cousinly Salon (it was
nice... he began to relax), the game room (the Cousins were treated well
during the War) and several other rooms on the first story.

"And this," Celeste said, "is the padded cell."

# # #

Continued in part 2/2.

--
Cousin Tserisa & the Cousinly Critters
- headpigeons@hotmail.com -
Cousin, Ratpacker 8:>X and CaddyWhack
FK Stuff: http://geocities.com/tserisa/
CaddyWhacks: http://velvetdragon.com/caddy/