Title: Cousins Le Pugh(1/1) Authors: Cousin Tser and Cousin Shelley Faction: Cousins Time: Late Night Date: Sunday, July 15th, 2001 Directly after "NA/UF/Cousins/RP: Can You Hear the Rumble? (03-b/?)" and "Relatively Cousins (1/1)" Disclaimers: All participants used with permission As the six scently cousins entered the Le Pugh bar, quite a scene greeted them. Several of Toronto's finest were looking quite confused as three of their fellow cousins were begging to be arrested. Others that were recognizable from the UF and NA factions seemed to run at top speed for the door as the six approached. It might have had something to do with the small animal Tser was holding, or it might have had a lot more to do with the offensive odor that announced their presence 15 feet in front of them. Easing up to the bar, the bartender sniffed the air and suddenly turned an odd shade of green. "Pleeze leeve," he said disdainfully. "We would like a drink first," Shelley said, her tone leaving no room for discussion. "We won't leave until we get one." As the six sat down at the bar, several began to glance around nervously. "I'm getting some bad vibes from this place," Cousin Deb said uneasily. "Bad mojo," Brandi affirmed. "Barfight," Tser said under her breath, petting the spotted skunk and giggling evilly to herself. "Zere are no animals allowed in ze bar!" the bartender said imperiously, having shoved a clothespin down on his nose. "Ze woolly llama, eet wuz bad enuf! Ze creeter, at leest, must leeve!" "Speciesist Bartending Fool!" Tser cried, setting the skunk defiantly (yet gently) upon the counter. "Your finest vodka for me, and a spoonful of peanut butter and molasses for my mustelid friend!" The five other cousins put in their drink orders to a *very* unhappy bartender. "I should call zee poleez back," he muttered to himself. "We should head back to CERK soon," said Shelley. "How?" Celeste asked. "Anyone want to get back in that limo?" A chorus of "no"s could be heard all around as everyone thought about what it must smell like on the inside. "How are we going to explain the limo to LaCroix?" Tok asked, a very worried expression on her face. Tser glanced at her co-leader and shivered with the thought. "Wait, I have an idea," Shelley finally volunteered. "Let me call a cab for you five and I'll take care of the limo." "No way," Tok said, eyes narrowed. "I'm not riding back with that... that... creature." Tser hugged the mottled skunk to her chest. "Speciesist Head from Hades!" she exclaimed. The skunk chittered. Tser, perhaps, was a little emotional after being accused of illegal activities involving animals. It did not sit well with the (generally) law-abiding and (always) animal-loving Cousin. Tok stared at her fellow Cerberine Cousin and sipped her drink. Tser petted the musky mustelid and murmured assurances to it. "I'm beginning to regret attending the UF party," Brandi announced. "They wanted my signature," Deborah said, still glowing. Tok sipped her drink, still looking at Tserisa. "Brandi, go call a cab. Shelley, I'm trusting you with descenting our limo -- remember, this will Not Please LaCroix, so take it seriously. Tserisa, you and that *skunk* are walking home." Tser pouted, and looked at the 1/3rd with big shining eyes. Tok, however, was resolute. "I have had *enough* contact with those black and white fiends this War," she said, remembering her part in the Vaq's attack on the Cousins. "I prefer not to see hide nor tail of the monsters for the remainder. You. Are. Walking. Back." "Ooooo," Brandi, Deb and Shelley chorused. "Fine," Tser said, straightening. "I'll walk back. In the dark. Just *ignore* the fact I'm always *attacked* in the dark when I walk the streets of Toronto. Fine. I'm leaving now." The black- and stench-clad Cousinly Leader scooped up the skunk and headed out the door, her clunky boots beating out a rhythm on the bar's strawberry and beer smeared floor. * * * * * Shelley quietly slipped behind Brandi as she went to call for a cab. "Let me, I have some money," she said. Brandi shrugged and went back to her drink. The drink seemed *safe*. Shelley walked to the back of the bar and found a telephone booth. She quickly dialed a cab company whose number was written on the wall behind the phone, and waited for an answer. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to order two cabs, please, to the Le Pugh bar. I'd also like to give you a credit card to pay with," she told the phone. "Yes, yes, I realize this is highly unusual ... tell you what... you can charge a $100 tip for each driver if you take the card for the whole trip." Shelley listened in silence for a moment while the person on the other end of the phone considered the deal. "What? You'll do it? Great! Here's the number and expiration date...." * * * * * Getting out of her own cab, Shelley looked around in awe at Toronto's finest (and only) all night limo dealership. "Can I help you?" asked a smooth voice to her right. For half a second, Shelley thought LaCroix must be standing there and froze in place, heart pounding. Then her brain registered that she was at a car dealer, and the smooth voice made more sense. Turning towards the salesman, she said "I want that one," and pointed to a limo on the lot that could have been the twin of the skunked one. "Y-y-you'll take it?" the salesman stuttered, unaccustomed to such quick decisions. "Yes, but only if I can charge it on this card," she replied, handing him the much used and abused credit card baring the name of LaCroix. "You want to CHARGE a LIMO???" the man asked with bulging eyes. Obviously, he had never run across a cousin who had borrowed a 2,000 year old vampire's limo, then skunked it before. "Do you know how much this is going to *cost*?" "If you run the card through, I think you'll find sufficient credit available on it," Shelley said, wincing at the thought of the statement that would arrive soon at CERK. * * * * * Signing the final paperwork on the new limo, Shelley heaved a sigh of relief. LaCroix would never need to know what happened. "Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?" said the salesman, as he looked up from his commission calculations. "Yes, as a matter of fact there is," Shelley responded. "There's an older limo parked outside of a bar called LePugh. Get it and donate it to the Toronto Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Also, inside there are two animal cages containing live animals. I want them *carefully* delivered to the radio station CERK ... care of Jess." The blonde cousin smiled a somewhat evil smile. * * * * * "Delivery here for CERK, care of Jess?" the delivery man said, coughing. He should complain to the union about this. Transporting hazardous animals out of reeking limos wasn't covered in his job description. "That's ME," the Receptionist chirped. "I'm the Ever-Squeeky Jess." Her voice lowered and her eyes narrowed. "Welcome to my lair. Bwa ha ha ha!" The delivery man swallowed and backed off, smoothing his brown uniform. "Yeah. Uhm, sign here." Jess grabbed the pen and scribbled on the line. "Cousinly Receptionist, the Ever-Squeeky Jessica, formerly known as Poe Frog," she signed. "All yours," the delivery man said and beat a quick retreat. "What do we have here?" Jess said in her most evillest mad scientist voice, and laughed a maniacal mad scientist laugh. She peered in the cages at the fuzzy skunkies, then screamed and stumbled backwards. "MY TOES!" the Receptionist exclaimed, clutching her booted feet. "They're after my TOES!" # # # -- Cousin Tserisa & the Cousinly Critters - headpigeons@hotmail.com - Cousin, Ratpacker 8:>X and CaddyWhack FK Stuff: http://geocities.com/tserisa/ CaddyWhacks: http://velvetdragon.com/caddy/